Blessed Beginning

I decided to begin again with my journal here, lovers.

When I first created this site, I had no idea I would become who I am today. I thought I would write a few blog posts every now and then, maybe upload some doodles—mostly cartoon strips I had in mind that never came to fruition. Later, I found myself in love and moving to Missouri from Maryland. I am admittedly horrible at staying in touch with other people. This site, I decided, was going to be a way for me to stay connected to the people I was leaving behind, to show them the new life I was building with the man I loved.

Life had other plans, though.

In hindsight, it turns out I was moving to get away from something—my own success. Things were falling into place just a little too well after I pulled myself out of a depression, and I wasn’t used to it. I freaked. Moreover, although I loved the man I moved to Kansas City to be with, our relationship was not meant to last. Neither of us were who we thought we were. (No one in their twenties is.) I thought he was my everything and that I needed to be more and do more in order to be the same for him. I rebuilt my life around him, which was a tricky thing because neither he nor I had any idea who he thought he was.

Soon after my move to Missouri, I began to feel the distance building between us. I doubted myself to keep from seeing him for who he was (whoever that was). He didn’t want to be seen, though—much less loved—I think. People are funny that way sometimes… Eventually, he walked away, without so much as an explanation. I found myself alone for the first time in my adult life—lonely, ashamed, frightened, and humiliated in a strange city where the only friends I knew were through someone I used to know.

Super codependent shit.

But everything happens for a reason, lovers. (Everything in perfect order, time and reason, I like to say.) Sometimes, the God of Infinite Names needs to set us aside from everyone else to help us understand our unique design. I understand this now, but it was a long hard road. For a long time after the separation, my heart was an open wound. When someone leaves without explanation, it’s up to you to achieve your own closure. And even now I am not much for goodbyes.  

It was from that place of woundedness that I first began to create art in earnest. Something broke in me, and art came out. From that place of brokenness was also where I wrote most of the entries that had previously appeared on this site.

Eventually, the art that poured out of my wounds took on a life of its own. At first, I thought it was a way to get back the man I lost—to help him find his way back to me. Then the art brought me face-to-face with the true root of my dilemma—my dependence on other people to define who and what I was. The art came forth by the very thing I refused to do when it came to him—letting go. I refused to let go of my feelings for him, but it was by surrendering myself to the creation of art that I begin to understand...

Losing him didn’t matter. I was finding myself.

Years passed. I measured the time in works of art and word counts. By the time he and I were apart longer than we had been together, I just wanted to be rid of all feelings about him. Art became exorcism. He never loved me anyway—just the idea of loving someone—so it didn’t seem fair for me to be stuck holding the proverbial bag. Any artifact I found of our life together, I transformed into art. These unlocked new dimensions in my work, infusing them with textures I had previously never imagined. In time, I stopped thinking about him at all when I created art. I love creating art. Moreover, letting him fall away when we took flight seemed to allow other people to hear, see and feel in the finished art, sometimes almost as vividly as I did.

It’s been ten years now. I have worked through my heartache, laid to rest the love for the one who caused it, and achieved an uneasy peace with what happened. I no longer need explanations or excuses from others to begin and end things. I open and close my own chapters. I am no longer someone else’s supporting character but the author and protagonist of my own adventures. And, yet, as the same time, it isn’t about me. It is about reaching and connecting with others through art and writing. It is the Great Work of my unique design.

 I turned a new page in the material world. So let’s start fresh here, shall we?

I have such wonders to show you. Until next time, be blessed.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you are, I love you.

With all my heart,

-Alexander